So this feeling that I write in the words to come is from several weeks ago. I feel somewhat frightened to write my feelings down and hit publish. I’m not sure what to think or feel… I feel somewhat o.k. since I know not many even look at this blog, but there is also that lingering fear… But I feel somewhat compelled to publish this and I will just pray that it is from my God…
The agony of my heart you are about to experience, I am sure my God as Jesus in flesh and blood experienced. He knows my feelings and emotions and so I am confident of my identity in Him and know how he sees me, if for some reason the viewers (you) may see or think something else.
ugh. I hate it when my heart aches. I hate it when I feel the way I feel right now. I know for a fact that Jesus provides me with everything emotional, spiritual, and physical thing that I possibly need. But sometimes I long so hard and so much after other’s affections. I seek approval from others. I need to know that some human being on this earth likes me and for some reason I need to be validated by this feeling. Why is it that us humans do this? This feeling doesn’t happen often but when it does I just feel sick, like vomiting sick and suddenly weak. Really really weak. It’s the kind of feeling that washes over your senses and makes you want to go on a long contemplative walk or take a really really long nap.
As I type this I know there is some sort of bondage over me. One that I know all to much and has happened since I was little. It’s my pattern I guess. But how does one break this pattern? How does one surrender her life to the one who sets you free instead of the one who holds you down and tries to suffocate you with his disease?
I know the truth in my head, but I don’t know if it’s truly in my heart. When this struggle rises up I am reminded of my past, but I am told to forget what is behind and press on towards what is ahead. Then what is ahead? It’s the victory of Christ! It’s the Glory that is being brought into the light through this decaying problem. Through this broken body of mine. Through the cracks of pride in my life, the light of a humble man show through.
Right now I want to feel how you forgave me and press into you like no one else matters. I want to believe you for who you are and who you say you are! I know your word is alive and active in my life even if I feel so small and non-existent right now. I know you know me, every last part of me. The ins and the outs. The pain and the sorrow. I can’t wait to see you, God, and meet you face to face and wipe that last tear from my eye and take the pains away. I can’t wait for the day when all distraction of this life will be removed and all I will be able to do is bow at your feet and breathe you in. All of you. I will just sit at your feet and feel that relief I long to feel right now.
Please Lord, fill me with your truth so I can be set free. Fill me with your power so I can live the life I was called to live. Fill me with your peace which transcends all understanding and guard my heart and mind in you. God I need you and I want you. Please heal me from this thing. amen