So this blog was started like 3 weeks ago, and I am determined to finish my thoughts…
Wow is all I can say right now. This past 4+ weeks (now 7) have been from my perspective, exhausting. I’m sure some of the things I will write in a few, might make you think, awe that’s nothing, please stop wining. But for me I look back on it and continue to be in this battle. It is not just a daily battle where I wrestle with a 2 1/2 year olds will. Or the battle over how much laundry I have to do and fold today. Or even the battle of what to fix for dinner tonight. My battle all started the evening after my last post actually.
We went to a friend’s house, and to make a long story short Ava fell off of a chair and split her head open. If any of you know me, I don’t do well with instances like this, and my overactive imagination went crazy. She was bleeding and I thought I was going to faint. Steve was trying to help our toddler, while I’m freaking out with my legs above my head. A lot of help eh? Well we finally glued her head shut and avoided the ER at all costs.
After the trauma, poor Ava had it , so she slept in our bed. We woke up in the middle of the night to her screaming. I thought she was in pain, due to my over active imagination, grabbed the crying baby who had been woken by the ruckus, and guess what happened….. I fainted. The next thing I know Steve is shaking me telling me I dropped my baby on the floor. My heart sank and immediately, I felt like an unfit mother. Why did the Lord even give me these children? Why can’t I just keep my mind where it needs to be? Why is this all happening again? (A few years ago I struggled with anxiety and it was a journey)
The next morning I woke to my two sweet baby girls, doing just fine. The husband was fine. All looked fine from the outside looking in.
(They look fine? yup)
Me though, I was not fine. I was like crap. Here we go again. Why can’t I get my mind out of the gutter and to think about what is true, right, noble, so on and so forth? I started reading my bible study, because I was desperate, Breaking Free by Meth Moore (if you have never done anything by her, please look into it.) Nothing seemed to help. I started freaking. I had made up my mind that I would not be able to go to church the next day, because well that would be too much for me to handle (it’s interesting how Satan uses these tactics to keep us from fellowship and even life, ugh.) The next morning however, God had something for me.
” He is my Rock, and my Salvation, my Fortress. I will not be greatly shaken.” ~ somewhere in the psalms (I seriously cannot find it for the life of me now, but I know I read it there.)
Seriously? ok how was I going to grab this and run with it, because honestly it was all I had at that moment. I started saying it over and over and over again. To Ava. To myself. And after that Ava started repeating it back to me. OH What?!?!? It seemed to give me a tad bit of strength. So I decided to got to church. (Just so you know, if you are ever feeling frumpy, not sick, just frumpy and don’t want to go to church, just go. It’s amazing what God has for you.)
God is so so very good to me (and you.) I was feeling weak and really not wanting to be there. My friend Miranda looked at me and asked, “how you doing?” Oh noooooooooooooooo. Tears, one, two, three, ugh and the stinking service had not even started. So I told her, and if you know my friend (which some of you do) she just tells you like it is. I honestly don’t remember what she said now, but I’m sure it was good and to the point. All I remember was, “Your kids are watching..” Ummmm ok, couldn’t I have gotten a poor Haley??? I mean I was definitely the victim here and needed some love. Could this issue really be affecting my behavior, and my kids were watching how this would all work out???? She hugged me. I thought about that over and over again. My family is being affected by this just as much as I am. Then my sweet friend Jane after the service, let me in on a secret. The battle will get easier every time. Shoot, does this mean I get to face this junk again? Great. I was comforted though. It was funny how being at church actually strengthened my soul and spirit. Yes my battle, what ever it may be, will get easier, every stinking time. Why? Well hopefully because I’m in the word getting to know my God and understanding the tactics of the enemy, unless I am sleeping in the battle field. Then in that case I’ll be bombed and not know what hit every time. Not wanting to go there.
Anyhow after clinging to God that day the battle did rage on. I’ll try to keep it short, but the next 6 weekends we would have some sort of sickness that would ail us (all 6 weekends), and more stress than I care to tell you about. Lets just say its been a good 6 weeks of feeling weak. I honestly have felt like Satan has had this huge baseball bat and just as we seem to start standing again, he swings, and BAM down for the count we go. But with the not so fun times, there are those breaths of fresh air. God is still good all of the time. And there it is folks. I have really wanted to update the blog, but my energy has just been zapped. Hoping that we are on the upward climb again.
On a fun note, Ava is almost potty trained and Charis has 2 teeth!!!! More posts to come about that.